i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
