I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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