Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
