my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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