We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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