I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
