Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
