I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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