Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
