Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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