I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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