The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
