im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Found your dick twin last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
