When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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