everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
