if only i could text you this smell
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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