I love black thongs
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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