I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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