I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize