It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
