Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
