for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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