Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
