he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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