FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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