i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
