i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize