Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
