oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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