I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
