got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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