you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
