You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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