This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
