I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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