Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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