tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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