dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize