I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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