She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
