We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize