Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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