I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
