I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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