You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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