Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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