So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
