I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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