How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize