i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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