I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
is wine microwaveable?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
