Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
