Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
