The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
