life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
