Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
