I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
