Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
