I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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