You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
